GameBacon

Nintendo probably has the most anticipated Conference with the rumours of their new console. Will they deliver on their promises? Let’s find out!

Legend of Zelda 25th Anniversary Bonanza:

Miyamoto is so pimp that he can just come on stage command an orchestra to entertain him as he dicks around. Motherfucker invented Mario he can do what he wants.

Link’s Awakening on Virtual Console is good to hear and there was some information on Legend of Zelda: Orcarina of Time 3D. Masterquest inclusion is awesome for the hardcore among us and the added boss mode and hint system sounds great to me.

Zelda 4 Swords remake as a free download on the dsi store? I’m going to have to get a 3DS or DSi!

The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword coming with a golden wii remote. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was solid gold with all the left over money Nintendo has from the Wii.

It’s always nice to see how much heart Nintendo have for their franchises, I mean they have to with all the games they make for the same franchises. They may have been scrutinized for it but their sequels are always varied and interesting which is less than you can say from other companies so you might as well be grateful.

Mario Kart 3D:

Adapting ideas from N64 era kart games now? Interesting Nintendo.

I think it’s pretty cool to see Mario Kart embracing some of the multi-vehicle aspects of Diddy Kong racer and the coin collecting mechanic? My money is on a system similar to the Wumpa Fruit collecting from Crash Team Racing, which is still to this day the greatest kart racer every made. Seriously if you haven’t played CTR get it on the PS Store NOW!

Hopefully they can fix the luck related, 1st place hating issues from Mario Kart Wii to give us the best Mario Kart yet.

Star Fox 64 3D:

Yes we would all rather see a brand new version of Star Fox in the 64 style but at least we get the next best thing, actually getting Star Fox 64.

I like the idea of the new control mechanic and I think the 3DS technology could pull it off well. It’s going to be great to DO A BARREL ROLL on the go.

You can just tell someone is going to pull their cock out whilst playing their 3Ds. Star Fox just became chat roulette

Super Mario 3D:

TANOOKI SUIT CONFIRMED! Well we did kind of guess that but cool.

Some of the gameplay worries me. Changing direction stiffly on the 3D plane makes me think of early 3D platformers like Bubsy 3D and Croc. I’m sure it works better in motion but still makes me wonder.

Personally I HATED Super Mario DS. It was too short, lacked difficulty or re-playability and made a needlessly tacked on effort to hide some of it’s worlds with the “defeat the boss as Tiny Mario” thing. So I’m glad this game is starting to move away from the sidescrolling gameplay that Nintendo has failed to innovate with in the Mario series so far.

Kid Icarus Uprising:

Fuck me Kid Icarus’ voice is annoying. Where’s the grow-a-pair cheat code?

Seems odd to mix this quirky little cartoony angel sprite with all the other characters being brooding Final Fantasy characters. Just seem too juxtaposed. Or that might be just because Kid Icarus is so damn irritating! It’s like playing the game as one of the Microsoft Conference kids!

Multi-player I didn’t see coming, but it’s pretty awesome to see that inclusion. It looked pretty skilful and I’d definitely like to get my hands on it.

Kid Icarus 3DS cards…cool I suppose?

Luigi’s Mansion 2

HELL YES!

I have been hankering for a sequel to Luigi’s Mansion for years and it’s so great to have my prayers answered.

Looks like the classic experience we know, a little more constricted movement wise but I don’t care. BECAUSE IT’S LUIGI’S MANSION 2! I haven’t been this excited since they re-launced Monkey Island!

Now announce a new model of the 3DS so I can buy one Nintendo!

Pokedex 3D

Hey this is pretty cool, this looks like it would be a fun little tool to play with.

I mean for kids totally, I mean no way am I going to play with this I’m an adult he he he…

Oh shut up, you all like Pokemon too!

AND IT’S FREE!

Wii U

Oh come on, that’s a terrible name! It’s starting to sound like a freaking ambulance siren! Well I suppose it makes sense with the connectivity to previous hardware but still I don’t like the name. At least with “The Stream” I could make a wii stream joke.

This pretty much kicks Kojima’s “Transfarring” right in the nuts and doesn’t require 50 placards to explain it.

The controller is basically like an Ipad, which is pretty amazing but it just seems a little too chunky for someone to hold as a controller. My opinion may be changed if I played with one but it looks cumbersome. Those circle pads look a little too high considering if this is going to be heavy. And how much will these things cost if you want to play multi-player with multiple controllers? I’m not paying £700 a pop!

Wow look at those graphics. Motherfucker got horse blood.

It’s got horse-power, will probably have the games, the controller has some awesome functionality like with web browsing but will it work as an actual game controller? I’m still not sure.

Still it is another bold step by Nintendo which I’m happy to see.

New Super Smash Bros.

Just a hint that they will come out on both but that still is…

FRIGGING AWESOME!

Super Mario Mii

Urgh again?

Lego City Stories

Cool I guess? Open world lego sounds fun I suppose but why wouldn’t I just buy real legos?

Oh yeah because I can only ever build cuboids with a door or wheels attached.

Darksiders 2

O.K so no information showed in this conference specifically but it was announced to be released on the console from day 1 of the games launch. Darksiders was an average game but it wasn’t bad just rather unremarkable. Hopefully this sequel can give it that extra little kick into being a great game.

I wonder how far they will go with Death being the new protagonist? Famine would be a pretty boring game.

Tekken

Me love Tekken, me want more Tekken, give me Tekken Wii U!

Batman Arkham City

Some people might say “all the other consoles have it anyway big deal!” I’d respond by saying none of those other consoles let you play it while taking a shit.

Assassin’s Creed

I repeat my last statement

Tom Clancy Ghost Recon Online

Pretty sure that wasn’t a book

Aliens Colonial Marines

It’s awesome that this is finally coming to light! My blood pH is changing just thinking about it!

Metro Last Light

Metro 2033 was an great yet flawed game. Iron out the kinks and this one is going to be a real treat!

Ninja Gaiden 3

Meh, not interested unless the controller controls boobs again.

Conclusion

A little underwhelming. Wii U will be the ultimate bathroom experience with it’s on the shitter gamplay but I still have the same grievances and doubts I was feeling at the Wii’s announcement. I think Nintendo could pull this off, but I am remaining sceptical for now. It is great to see a Nintendo console with some major horsepower this time though. No bad visual ports required.

Luigi’s Mansion 2 is probably their best reveal game wise and really is making me consider getting a 3DS soon.

Their presentation style was nice and visually interesting with the multi-screen set-up which kept the audience engaged.

The jury is still out on this new console but their conference was a damn sight better than Microsoft.

EA have called their conference “Game Changers”. Let’s hope they can live up to that name and shake the image of the money hungry juggernaut of gaming. Wait that’s Activision now… Go EA!

Mass Effect 3:

OH YES OH YES OH YES! MASS EFFECT 3 BABY!

It looks like Bioware have really stepped their game up on the action set pieces. That reaper attack feels like real action sci-fi and they really have embraced the scale of a threat the reapers pose. My concern is too much of this could leave the player fatigued. I was always worried how they would pull off a reaper invasion because they just seem unstoppable! But I believe in Bioware to do the series justice once more and bring everything to a satisfying conclusion. Melee combat seems to be improved with the omni-tool stabby function and grenades look like they will return as real grenades instead of weird disc explosives. These look like great improvements.

And hey Legion is back! Let’s hope we see more robot dance moves.

6th of March release date and I cannot wait

Need for Speed The Run:

Not a huge fan of Need for Speed as a franchise but I will admit the most recent title Hot Pursuit was a real improvement.

Adding on foot sections seems kind of unnecessary to me. For one they are just quick time events and I don’t think racing fans will like having their races randomly interrupted so they can hammer buttons.

The jury’s out on this one, but I think they’ve gone in the wrong direction.

At least add fricking split screen this time

Star Wars The Old Republic:

This has to be the only MMO I would seriously consider being a WoW killer.

Knights of the Old Republic is still to this day one of my all time favourite games and is a testament to Bioware’s talent for story, gameplay design and submersion in mythos. They got Star Wars better than George Lucas and I believe they can make this MMO with the same level of care that they did for KOTOR.

If the combat system is at least similar to the originals in some way gameplay isn’t a problem. Some people have complained about the story of the game being too focused on the player seeing as the game is an MMO and people feel cheated by being told they are the protagonist when there are millions of others playing. Personally, I feel that story is what Bioware do best and I trust them to go in whatever direction they think is most suitable.

Although we only got a cinematic trailer you can just tell from the way they talk about the game how much hard work and dedication has been put in and I can’t wait to try the game out myself.

SSX:

Snowboarding is cool still? Whatever happened to Cool Boarders?

Fifa 12:

Fifa is a juggernaut in football games and I always stand by my opinion that it is the superior game to Pro Evolution Soccer. The game just gets better and better with the new Online league tables where supporters work together to help their club reach internet supremacy by winning matches as said club. I’d love to see this system be trolled by a huge group of pro-fifa players picking an underdog team and raising them to the top.

If you liked previous Fifa’s you sure as hell will like this.

Madden:

I’m English therefore I don’t care

Sims Social:

I think combining Facebook with The Sims could potentially cripple world productivity. It’s like mixing nicotine with heroin because you thought one just wasn’t quite addictive enough.

Does anyone else find this trailer incredibly creepy? People facebook fucking with virtual avatars that updates immediately to your wall then two women discussing creating a virtual partner for themselves. It’s kind of the like a modern reboot of Weird Science. How do we even know this guy she hooked up with isn’t her own sick creation. Yeesh

Of course this will be a success, this will be the biggest time sink since they added a Bejewled mod to World of Warcraft.

Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning

This has got a lot of big names behind it so the hype machine is in top gear.

Is it just me or does this looks like a grown up Fable? Even to the way they describe the “choices” and the world itself just gives me deja vu.

The jury is out for me on this one whether if it can deliver on what it promises. I feel bad for the guy who came out on stage, he seemed so excited and nervous. I don’t want to have to crown him the new Molyneux.

Overstrike

This looks pretty cool I’ve got to say. It’s nice to see Insomniac go for something that uses their sense of humour again which I think is one of their strongest traits as a developer.

I never thought much of the Resistance games but I am a mega fan boy for the Ratchet and Clank games. I was the kid in the playground who, despite everyone saying how cool Jak 2 was because “it was all gritty and GTA like”, was rocking my Omniwrench and telling everyone I was going to go RYNO on their ass.

I’m excited to see what Insomniac do with this franchise, it’s cartoony style is somewhat reminiscent of  Team Fortress 2 with the team dynamic of Left 4 Dead. Add in the crazy weapons Insomniac is famous for and you got yourself a game I’m dying to know more about.

Return of the Sheepinator anyone?

Battlefield 3

Yes it’s very pretty and a nice meaty engine, but what else can it offer me that other modern combat games haven’t?

I’m sure modders will have a field day but I’m just not convinced that the game does anything innovative enough to make me care.

FPS as a genre is stale and is saturated with modern combat games and besides leaving me drooling from the mouth at it’s beauty the core of the game doesn’t seem exciting or inventive.

I’m still not sold, sorry DICE.

A word on Origin

Mentioned briefly in the press conference I thought I might as well give my opinion.

No this isn’t a Steam killer. EA will never be able to match the deals and prices that Steam can offer it’s customers and I find the interface to be a little too clunky. But I do believe with the titles they could bring exclusively and a little work on their application it could be a viable contender.

Of course Old Republic exclusive to Origin guarantees a huge amount of users right off the bat. I’d keep my eye on Origin but they will never beat Steam. For Steam is mighty and offers me games for £3 almost everyday! HUZZAH!

Conclusion

Good reveals, simple delivery and great games made a great conference. Of course EA isn’t under the pressure that the Console Juggernauts have to deal with but I still think Microsoft could learn something from this conference.

People were excited, the information was delivered clearly and concisely and they didn’t have to pay for Cirque du Soleil and a conference centres worth of light up condom jackets.

Just a good conference all round. Minimalism helped it greatly.

Microsoft’s conference last year was in my opinion the worst in show and the worst they’ve ever put on at E3. They looked foolish, seeming behind the competition with all the childish Kinect playthings and hideously written “conversations” to demonstrate their video chat feature. This year is their chance to make up for it. Please at least try Microsoft.

Call of Duty:

You know it’s not a good start when you forget to change the batteries for probably the most popular games on show.

It’s another Call of Duty, what else is there to say. Unless they start really changing up things in the series I’m not interested.

Tomb Raider:

It is nice to see a Tomb Raider game that’s marketing strategy isn’t entirely based on breasts. In fact they are hardly emphasised at all. If this is a prequel is the end of the game going to end with her getting implants?

It’s nice to see Lara’s personality as more feminine rather than the typical female lead ice queen she has become, although I can’t help thinking she sounds kind of like the curiosity sphere from Portal.

“WHAT IS THAT CONTRAPTION? OH WHAT’S THAT? WHERE AM I GOING? WHAT SHOULD I DO?”

I can’t help feeling that her voice is going to grate on me for a whole game, but I must admit I do like the new direction. I’m just not sure we needed a game where we pull rusty spikes out of a beaten and scared Lara Croft.

Cautiously Optomistic

EA Sports:

No Crack Baby Basketball 2011 Kinect announcement unfortunately.

Mass Effect 3

I am so excited about Mass Effect 3, all the rich narrative culminating to this point, every choice having an effect and it was great to see some footage.

While the squad commands in combat were pretty neat it’s really only a novelty and it’s implementation in the dialogue tree just seems pointless.

It’s a shame the focus was on Kinect moving things sideways.

The announcement I’m waiting for is whether or not Jack can be a party member. I miss that crazy gal of mine.

Ghost Recon Future Soldier:

Nice little trailer that made me sit up after drooping at the sight of another Tom Clancy game.

Gun nuts will go crazy for the Kinect gunsmith system and it actually seems like a legitimately cool use of Kinect in a main stream game.

However the game play with the Kinect looks really clunky. It such an unwieldy system in the way he was holding the gun and the way functions were activated. Kinect is supposed to make things easier but the guy looked like he was doing interpretive dance just to pull up the sights and aiming in general seemed awkward.

All future Tom Clancy games being Kinect enabled as well hasn’t got me sold either. Kinect just doesn’t seem to be compatible with every genre of game to me. Forcing Kinect compatibly when it really isn’t required or appropriate isn’t going to help the Kinect in anyway.

It’s like insisting your gloves make great socks when they don’t fit the dimensions of your foot in anyway.

Kinect TV:

Am I mistaken or didn’t they announce all this Kinect controls your Xbox shit already? Wasn’t that the whole point of Kinect in the 1st place?

You got a search engine (sorry “Decision” Engine) and Youtube but still no internet browser. You’re not helping the behind the times thing Microsoft. T.V is a nice edition at least even if PlayStation already have done it.

UFC added features is nice but… meh I prefer wrestling. UFC always seemed like an awkward playground fight to me. Two guys in a headlock telling each other to let go.

Gears of War 3:

So instead of “WHERE’S MY WIFE!” it’s “WHERE’S MY DAD!”. Also doesn’t anyone find it ironic that they are using an anti-war song in their trailers?

Clips of Ice-T scowling mixed with clips of COG’s scowling.

They got some yellow in the colour palette this time at least. It’s just hard to get excited about Gears of War any more. I feel like it’s as stale as Call of Duty.

Ryse:

A Crytek game set in Roman times? Hey this sounds pretty awes… wait it’s a first person fighting game on Kinect it’s not going to work moving on!

Halo Combat Evolved Anniversary:

Remastered Halo 1. Cool.

Forza 4:

How much money do you think Kanye West has accumulated from that Power song? He must he using 50′s to wipe his arse.

I don’t care much for realistic racing games besides Grand Turismo. Give me Arcade racing any day. I don’t want there to even be a brake button if I’m playing a racing game.

Fable The Journey:

Exaggerated promises by Peter Molyneux? It’s Fable time!

A Kinect on rails shooter set in the Fable, seriously? That’s like making Black and White into a racing game! The only saving grace will be if I get to smash Milo in his smug little face.

Minecraft Kinect:

A sensible application for Kinect that I may want to try? Guess I’ll start eating that tyre, I lost a bet.

Kinect Disney Adventures:

Well I suppose it’s marginally cheaper to buy an Xbox Console, Kinect, an HD TV, the game and two easily amused children than buying tickets to the actual the actual park. Wait, let me get my calculator.

I always imagine every line these child actors say as being “We are acting!” and the whole presentation seems more believable.

In all seriousness this does look like it would be fun for a family to enjoy and… OH COME ON “Fist bump!” WHERE DO THEY GET THESE FUCKING KIDS.

Star Wars Kinect:

I think this somehow has less CGI than the Prequels.

The game is based on the prequels, has game play purely based on “waggle” mechanics, and it doesn’t fucking work.

Another shining moment for the Star Wars Franchise, remember when you could be proud saying you liked Star Wars? I wish I did.

Sesame Street Once Upon a Monster:

It’s always great to see Tim Schafer and Double Fine, he is one funny guy (I appreciate the simulated family joke and I too based my diet on the Cookie Monster!)

This games looks great, it knows exactly what Kinect does well and uses those rather than messing around in what it’s “supposed” to do and it definitely captures the spirit of Sesame Street. I can see this being a guilty pleasure.

Wonder if there’s a multiplayer mode where one person plays as Cookie Monster in rehab trying to heat up cookie dough in the bathroom while the other player as Elmo tries to sedate him.

Kinect Fun Labs:

Hey who let that hobo on stage? Security must be more slack this year… oh wait that’s Kudo Tsunoda.

It’s great that Microsoft are actually acknowledging the advances the community has made. but I can’t help but wonder if it’s going to end up with the same restrictions as the Indie Game Marketplace which would be awful.

It’s really just a show case for doohickeys. I think the real reason we were excited by the community was their potential for application into actual games and other software. That’s where I personally hope this can go.

Kinect Sports Season 2:

………. NEXT!

Dance Central 2:

Hey geeky Dance Central guy lost weight. Looking good! Shame he isn’t providing us with a good GIF this year.

Dance Central is probably the best Kinect Title so far, the Guitar Hero of Dance games and this just looks to improve on a solid foundation.

Halo 4:

New development team, unnecessary sequels, I’ll stay sceptical

Conclusion:

Not the strongest effort by Microsoft but definitely an improvement from last year with a mix of focus between the casual and hardcore. Nothing really big was revealed besides Halo 4 which only had a teaser. A poor show but I’ve seen worse. I think Microsoft feels way too safe and don’t feel they need to step up their game, putting all their eggs into the Kinect basket I say is a big mistake. I have a feeling Nintendo is going to be a big hitter and is going to leave Microsoft in the dust all over again. Microsoft is loosing their grasp as king of hardcore and the sooner they realise it the better.